Proverbs 18
2Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.
6Fools get into constant quarrels; they are asking for a beating.
7The mouths of fools are their ruin; their lips get them into trouble.
13What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!
(Proverbs 18:2, 6, 7, 13, NLT)
The Daily DAVEotional
Several years ago my wife and I took a weekend communication course that had been recommended to us by some friends. The content was really good and we quickly realized how helpful the tools and concepts presented would be for healthy marital communication as well as conflict resolution situations.
The course and content was presented by PhD level communication experts who had spent countless hours researching what makes good, effective communication.
One of the first principles that was presented as important for good communication was to seek to understand BEFORE being understood. That seemed like really good advice.
The presenter then proceeded to share how “scripture” confirmed what the research had discovered.
If you think about it, it’s actually the other way around. Proverbs 18:2 was written thousands of years ago and the research actually confirms what Proverbs has been trying to teach us – that it’s better to understand before you try to be understood. In fact, the scripture calls people who don’t practice this principle “fools”.
The Bible actually has a lot to say about communication. I’ve written here about how James warns us against “Weaponizing our Words“.
The book of Proverbs has a lot to say on the subject as well and Proverbs 18, in particular, is a treasure trove of wisdom on good communication. I wrote here about how our words can be emotionally damaging to others.
Proverbs is a book of wisdom and in many of the chapters there is a contrast between wise living and foolish living. In this chapter, a number of verses cite the foolishness of talking too much.
The fool doesn’t listen but only talks. In a tense or heated conversation, this can lead to quarrels and arguments as the foolish person fails to listen but only seeks to get their point across. In a normal, less tense conversation it can simply lead to someone acting like a know-it-all and giving unsolicited and unwarranted advice instead of listening and understanding the other person’s story and situation.
My guess is you know someone like the fool that is described in these Proverbs 18 verses. If you don’t know someone like that, as the old saying goes, perhaps YOU are that person.
The wise person listens and seeks to understand BEFORE trying to get his or her point across. Research shows that this leads to healthier communication and better relationships. But the Bible knew this all along.
Imagine that!
Reflection
When have you been in a situation where someone gave you advice before listening to really understand your situation? How did that make you feel? What was the outcome of that encounter?
Why do you think people are so anxious to be understood (trying to get their point across) before understanding the other person?
What do you think would be required to “seek to understand before being understood”? What skills and attitudes would need to be present in order to “understand before being understood”?
Based on the principles in these verses, how would you rate your communication patterns on a scale of 1-10? What reasons did you rate yourself the way you did? What steps can you take to improve your rating?
Photo by Timur Weber: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-couple-talking-while-arguing-8560383/
The Lowedown 